The Hitchhiker Who Came To Dinner
"The Hitchhiker Who Came To Dinner" is the first episode of the second series of Sweet Sow. Summary After a few hours of being stuck underwater, the hitchhiker teleports himself to Pleasantview, along with Mummy Pig, Peppa Pig, and Dan Schneider. Later, they visit an individual penthouse and stay there for dinner. What could possibly go wrong? Script (The Hitchhiker, Peppa and Mummy Pig are still in the plane underwater.) Hitchhiker: We're home, baby! Mummy Pig: Hell naw! Peppa: It's been ages since this plane crashed underwater. Mummy Pig: I know, but there is yet to be someone to rescue us. Guess we have to wait for a thousand years until that happens. Peppa: TV? Dan: Bitch, I'm normal. Mummy Pig: No, you're not. Peppa: Mummy, where's the TV? Mummy Pig: There's no signal, dumbass. Hitchhiker: Does everyone have my attention? Good. Now please repeat what I say. Oogka-looga-ronig-noonga-luciferig-poora-tele-poora-coosa! Everyone Else: Oogka-looga-ronig-noonga-luciferig-poora-tele-poora-coosa! Hitchhiker: Good. (Suddenly, everyone inside of the wreck is teleported to a nearby beach.) Hitchhiker: Fantastic! Robert Raccoon: Hello? Hitchhiker: Oh shit! (Dan Schneider, Peppa and Mummy Pig collapse.) Hitchhiker: What just happened? Voice: (offscreen) Take them to a nearby hospital. NOW! Hitchhiker: Yes, but hold on a second. Robert Raccoon: Hey, do you have any light storage that I can use? Hitchhiker: Sorry, but I can't talk to you right now. I have to take my friends to the hospital. Maybe you can carry them to my Sony car? Robert Raccoon: Oh. Sure. (Robert picks up Peppa, Mummy Pig and Dan Schneider one by one to Fred's Sony car.) Hitchhiker: Thanks. Robert Raccoon: No problem. Hey, you stole that car from me! (Fred parks the car at a nearby hospital.) Hitchhiker: Hello? Dr. taxico: Yes? Hitchhiker: My three friends collapsed. Can you please help them? Dr. taxico: Sure. Come upstairs with me, (Dr. taxico leads the hitchhiker into a room with five beds. He grabs a special kind of needle, and puts it on a machine. Then he lays Peppa, Mummy Pig, and Dan Schenider on three of the beds.) Hitchhiker: Hasta la vista, baby. Dr. taxico: We do not accept you, as clowns shouldn't be doctors. Hitchhiker: What about magicians? Dr. taxico: Not them, either. Hitchhiker: Total shite! Dr. taxico: Now, I must get to work. Hitchhiker: What are you doing? Dr. taxico: It's a process called CPR. Hitchhiker: Oh. (Dr. taxico starts to perform CPR on Mummy Pig.) Dr. taxico: (when he starts pumping Mummy Pig's heart) FUCK! Mummy Pig: (wakes up) Where am I wrench loop? Dr. taxico: Because. (Mummy Pig transforms into Robert Raccoon.) Robert Raccoon: Fred? Kill Wagucorn, now! Hitchhiker: Uh, yes sir. (chuckles) Robert Raccoon: And bring me his head. Hitchhiker: Alright. Doctor, what happened to Peppa? Dr. taxico: It appears that she had collpased, along with Dan Schneider, which is why I'm performing CPR operations on them. Hitchhiker: How did that happen? Dr. taxico: They had the inability to think, causing their brains to stop functioning. Hitchhiker: CPR! CPR! CPR! CPR! (Dr. taxico starts performing CPR on Peppa.) Dr. taxico: FUCK! Hitchhiker: Doctor, is she okay? Dr. taxico: Something strange seems to be happening to her. (Peppa transforms into Giovanni, the one below the five.) Giovanni: I will inflate now. (Giovanni starts to inflate, as Robert Raccoon transforms back into Mummy Pig.) Mummy Pig: Another chills gone by. Emily Elephant: Mummy Pig, you made a homophobic article and you should be banned permanently for that. Mummy Pig: No, I didn't. (Quickly, Mummy Pig flies out of her bed and kicks Emily in the face.) Emily Elephant: OW! Dr. taxico: Last one. (Dr. taxico starts pumping Dan Schneider.) Dr. taxico: FUCK! Dan Schneider: Dumb. Let's go to Vívíví. (Cut to a skyscraper in Spilled, Krockia, with 50's synthesizer music in the background.) Voice: (offscreen) Vívíví. (Cut back to them in the hospital.) Mummy Pig: We can't, because it's way too expensive. Mister/Miss Wolfz: Hello, please do not refer to me as "male" or "female". Mummy Pig: Why? You're either born a male or female, dipshit. (Giovanni transforms back into Peppa.) Peppa: Um, excuse me sir, why are you dressed like a woman? Mister/Miss Wolfz: Please do not refer me as a male. Peppa: Why not? Mister/Miss Wolfz: I don't have a gender. Mummy Pig: Bullshit. (Mister/Miss Wolfz disappears.) Mummy Pig: Shall we become homeless? Peppa: How come? Mummy Pig: We're poor, don't you remember? Peppa: Oh. I don't think we should go homeless. Mummy Pig: Nonsense! We're moving into a Sony camper van right now. Dr. taxico: Wait! You forgot to- (The gang are teleported inside a random Sony camper van near the hospital.) Mummy Pig: This van has a built in TV. We can tune in to Ezaccess without moving my fat arse. (Mummy Pig starts driving. Then she turns on the TV, and tunes to Ezaccess. Lenny Cat appears in front of a blue background.) Lenny: (on TV) Hey, kids! What's 20 minus 55? Make sure it's not zero or a negative number. Mummy Pig: Fucking mind flop. Peppa: How did Fred get inside of that little thing called a TV? Hitchhiker: (on TV) By accessing a wormhole. Duh! Peppa: Mummy, why are you driving the wrong way? Mummy Pig: Because I'm watching educational, kid friendly programming. Peppa: But mummy- Mummy Pig: LIMO! (The camper van converts into a red limousine, which somehow results in the hitchhiker disappearing from the TV.) Mummy Pig: MONSTER TRUCKS! MONSTER TRUCKS! MONSTER TRUCKS! Peppa: What do you even mean by that, mummy? (The hitchhiker appears, driving a monster truck beside the limousine.) Hitchhiker: Monster truck, bitches! Voice: (offscreen) You are under arrest for driving a monster truck down a road. Hitchhiker: What? That's bullshi- (The monster truck disappears, as the hitchhiker teleports near where Mummy Pig is driving.) Hitchhiker: Waterpark! Waterpark! Waterpark! (The hitchhiker gets run over by Mummy Pig.) Mummy Pig: FUCK! I hope he isn't dead. Peppa: He disappeared, mummy. Mummy Pig: Fantastic! (Suddenly, the limousine transforms into a prison.) Mummy Pig: Peppa, please buy me a pack of cigarettes or you're fucking dead. Peppa: But mum- (Mummy Pig starts to fly around the prison cell like a puppet.) Mummy Pig: No "buts" or you're fucking dead. Peppa: Fine. I'll buy you cigarettes. Guard: Excuse me, but are you over 18? Peppa: Um, no. (Mummy Pig stops flying and stands on the ground.) Guard: I'm sorry, but you are not legally allowed to buy cigarettes. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. Mummy Pig: She's 35, but she has a rare deformity. Also, don't mention that name ever again. Guard: Are you lying? Mummy Pig: That's the truth, dipshit. Guard: Lie detector test! (Green lights appear and fly around Mummy Pig's head. The lights stop, turn red, and start flashing, indicating that Mummy Pig is lying.) Guard: Liar, liar, pants on fire. Mummy Pig: But I'm not wearing any pants... Guard: It's an old saying. By the way, we're transferring you to a special kind of prison. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. Voice: (offscreen) Yes? Guard: Excuse me, but I was talking to someone else. Voice: (offscreen) You said my name! Guard: Yes, but still. Voice: (offscreen) Prison must die. Guard: Oh shit! (The guard disappears, and the prison transforms back into the limousine.) Mummy Pig: We're gonna buy a penthouse apartment! Peppa: Sawed-off limousine? Mummy Pig: Yes. (Emily Elephant suddenly appears behind Peppa.) Emily Elephant: Excuse me? Peppa: What is it, Emily? Emily Elephant: Stop adding sexual content to your articles, or else I will become an admin and block you permanently. Peppa: What do you mean? Emily Elephant: You heard me. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. Peppa: Who is this Fofão? (Emily disappears.) Peppa: Oh. (Emily returns, but starts to morph into Dan Schnieder.) Dan: Please show me your feet. Peppa: No. Dan: You've just turned down the opportunity to become famous. Peppa: Still not interested. Dan: Oh fuck. Peppa: What's wrong? Dan: My audition was turned down. Peppa: For what? Dan: Peppa's Adventures. (The clone of Dan travels into the spirit of the real one, who is now dying.) Dan: Where am I? Peppa: Footland, your new home. Dan: (cough) I've been caught after the wind. Peppa: Please don't die Dan. Dan: I have to. I've been searching for my life, but the spirit went inside me. (Dan stands up and starts to float.) Peppa: No. Please don't. You were my favorite producer. Dan: I have to. Before I lose my life, please remember. Peppa: What? Dan: Uh, eh uh... (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. (dies) Peppa: NO! Mummy Pig: What happened while I was driving? Peppa: Dan Schneider died. Mummy Pig: Good. I never liked him. Peppa: Me too. Mummy Pig: If you said you liked him before, then why did you say that? It doesn't make sense. Peppa: Harenny. Mummy Pig: That's not a reason, dumbass. (The interior of the limousine starts to turn green.) Mummy Pig: You ruined my limo. I'm gonna crash it, because of you. Peppa: Make me. (As the limousine slowly transforms into the headquarters of Seven Network, Peppa transforms into the hitchhiker.) Hitchhiker: Time for, tops on pops! Mummy Pig: (starts dancing) No. You must go into the headquarters of Seven Network. Hitchhiker: Nope. (face melts) Mummy Pig: EWW! Please morph back into my daughter. Hitchhiker: Rewind. (The whole episode rewinds to the point where Dan Schneider has died. Then it fast-forwards without any crazyness, to Mummy Pig finally arriving at the penthouse in her limousine.) Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Here we are! Peppa: Bitch, I want the biggest boom-boom room. A big ass boom-boom room. Like a fuckin' hotel suite. (Mummy Pig stops driving. She and Peppa leave the limousine, and the former opens the trunk, where Dan's corpse is kept.) Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Peppa, carry Dan Schneider's body on the way to the penthouse. (Peppa attempts to carry Dan's dead body, but she drops it on the ground.) Peppa: I can't do it. He's too heavy. Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Do it anyway, or you'll wind up dead. Peppa: Fine. If I get crushed to death, he's your problem. Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Nope. (Peppa lifts up Dan, but she drops it on Mummy Pig.) Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Oh fuck. Peppa, you're so fucking grounded when we move in. Peppa: Well he was fat as shit, kinda like you. Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Don't you dare call me fat, young woman. Peppa: You let me swear, mummy. Why can't I call you fat? Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Because. Peppa: Because what? Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) I'm your mother. Peppa: That's obvious. We're going into the penthouse, right fucking now! (Peppa and Mummy Pig are teleported to the penthouse.) Peppa: This is so luxurious. Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Obviously, I'm getting the master bedroom and your room is in the closet. Peppa: No. I am getting the master bedroom and you can sleep in the closet. Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) My fat arse can't fit in there, so no. Peppa: (sighs) Fine. Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) Let's watch Jim'll Fix It. Peppa: But wasn't he a ped- Mummy Pig: (in Daddy Pig's voice) I will fucking kill you if you bring up those rumors ever again, understand miss? Peppa: Fine. (Mummy Pig turns on the TV, and tunes to a random station.) Jimmy Savile: (on TV) Can anyone "fix" me? Voice: (offscreen) I can do it for you, Jimmy. Mummy Pig: Jimmy was a good person. (Suddenly, the TV turns to static.) Mummy Pig: For fuck's sake! Jimmy was not a pedophile. (The hitchhiker in his original form appears on the TV.) Hitchhiker: (on TV) HEY, IT'S FRED!!! Mummy Pig: Nope. (The hitchhiker rips off his face, revealing his true form, an old man who resembles Jimmy Savile with short, white hair.) Hitchhiker: (on TV) My voice has changed. Now time for dinner. Mummy Pig: He was Jimmy Savile all along? We could've been best friends. I'm pissed. (Someone rings the doorbell.) Mummy Pig: It better be him or I'll go on a rampage. (Mummy Pig walks up to the door, and opens it. But nobody is here.) Mummy Pig: Fuck. Peppa, I'm gonna leave you in charge of the penthouse, until I return. Peppa: Yes, mummy. (Just before Mummy Pig runs out of the penthouse, the doorbell rings again. Then the hitchhiker pops out from behind.) Mummy Pig: Never mind. Peppa: Oh. Hitchhiker: Good evening, miss. Mummy Pig: I apologize for treating you like a piece of shit. Please forgive me. Hitchhiker: I forgive you. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. Mummy Pig: People have been saying that name for some reason. Is this some sort of warning? Hitchhiker: Yes. Mummy Pig: Let's have dinner. (Suddenly, the hitchhiker explodes.) Mummy Pig: Shit. (It is visible that the head of Fofão is in the sky, blocking the sun.) Hitchhiker: I'm back. What did I miss? Mummy Pig: You have to come to dinner with me and my daughter. Hitchhiker: Why? Is your food that luxurious? Mummy Pig: Of course. Why is Fofão's head in the sky, anyway? Hitchhiker: I don't know. Maybe because a lot of people were killed in Olimu today. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. (As he says "Fofão," his head goes farther from the sun.) Peppa: Jake. Pig. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. (Again, Fofão's head goes farther from the sun.) Mummy Pig: I fucking hate Jake Pig and his shitty music. He also has an awful fanbase full of annoying tween girls. Hitchhiker: When's dinner? Mummy Pig: I have to put an order in first. Hitchhiker: But I thought that you were cooking it. Mummy Pig: To be honest, I'm a shite cook. Hitchhiker: Oh, I just remembered. I've got the dinner ready, so you don't have to. (The hitchhiker grows tall and morphs into Nostalgia Critic.) Mummy Pig: Wonderful. Mine, Poland. Hitchhiker: I need help. Mummy Pig: Make me The Hulk. Hitchhiker: You bet. (Mummy Pig grows taller and morphs into The Hulk.) The Hulk: Hulk must smash! Hitchhiker: Nostalgia Criti- (The Hulk smashes the hitchhiker, and turns back into Mummy Pig.) Hitchhiker: I need to review a film. Mummy Pig: Please revert back into Jimmy Savile. Hitchhiker: I will after my review is finished. (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. (Fofão's head goes farther from the sun.) Mummy Pig: Fine. Please make a response video regarding the Channel Awesome controversy. Hitchhiker: Alright. Voice: (offscreen) There's a sucker born every minute. Mummy Pig: (in Marvey Harvey's voice) Fofão. (normal voice) Fuck! Marvey must have placed a curse on me. Marvey: (offscreen) Fofão. Mummy Pig: Another chills gone by. (Marvey floats down to the ground in front of Mummy Pig.) Marvey: Marvey Harvey, Harvey Marvey. Mummy Pig: Marvey, almost everyone I meet says "Fofão" to me. Why is this happening? Marvey: The magic within. (Seven seconds of nothing.) Mummy Pig: Please finish your sentence. Marvey: The magic within Fofão circulates around reality. Give me the head of Dan Schneider, so you can be free with the wind, among the magic. Mummy Pig: Fine. Peppa? Peppa: Yes mummy. Mummy Pig: Chop Dan Schneider's head off, and bring it to me. Do it now or die. Peppa: Okay. (Peppa attempts to cut through Dan Schneider's neck, but fails.) Peppa: Too weak! Dan: Head. Mummy Pig: I thought you were dead. Chop off his feet and send them to iCarly. Peppa: Alright. (Peppa chops off Dan's feet, causing his body (except his head) to disappear.) Peppa: Great. Mummy Pig: (looks at camera) Hey, kids! Send your feet to iCarly. Peppa: Why? Mummy Pig: Snahabo. (Dan Schneider's head lands on the ground next to Mummy Pig.) Voice: (ofscreen) Spaghetti tacos! Peppa: What the fuck? Is this some sort of pedophile ring? Marvey: Dan Schneider. Peppa: I'm serious. I think my mummy is also a pedo. Mummy Pig: No, I'm not. Voice: (offscreen) Pamela Pig is a registered sex offender and has been since 2008. Mummy Pig: What? That can't be true. Marvey: Sleep, daughter, sleep. Mummy Pig: I have a strange foot fetish, for some reason. So rub them, dear child. Marvey: Sleep, then you shall bring me the head. Mummy Pig: Okay. I feel tired. (yawns) (Mummy Pig falls asleep. Then the hitchhiker transforms back to normal.) Hitchhiker: I'm alive! Peppa: Why is Mateusz a communist? Mateusz: (offscreen) I grew up to be one. Also, hail our glorious leader Stalin. Peppa: Why? He killed more people than Hitler. Mateusz: You're Hitler. Peppa: No I'm not. Where are you even from? Mateusz: I'm from Poland. Peppa: How? Portland isn't even a country. Mateusz: No. I said Poland, not Portland. Peppa: What's the difference. Mateusz: Poland is in Europe, and Portland is in America. Peppa: How did you even grow up to be one? Poland wasn't in the Soviet Union. Mateusz: Various Artists. Peppa: Fuck. (Peppa transforms into Adolf Hitler.) Hitler: Ee-uh-ih-ruh, er-ruh. Mateusz: Nope. (Mateusz disappears, and Peppa transforms back to normal.) Peppa: I wanna watch Showgirls. (Mummy Pig wakes up, and yawns.) Mummy Pig: What do you want to watch? Peppa: Showgirls. Mummy Pig: That film is too inappropriate. Let's watch something on Playboy TV instead. Peppa: Okay. Marvey: I demand the head. Mummy Pig: His head is over there. (Mummy Pig stands up, and gets the head. She then hands it to Marvey.) Marvey: Now, once I take possession of this head, you shall fly out of reality and become a supernatural entity. Mummy Pig: No no no, give it back to me! (Marvey possesses the head of Dan Schneider, by making it disappear.) Mummy Pig: Please don't! I was just kidding. Marvey: Too late. Now, begone. (Mummy Pig starts to float.) Peppa: Mummy, no! Mummy Pig: Peppa, come with me. Peppa: I refuse. Because of this, I am going to save the racist flag. Mummy Pig: What flag? Peppa: The Nazi flag, as I am myself one. (Peppa morphs into a Nazi flag.) Nazi flag: Heil our supreme leader and overlord, Adolf Hitler. Mummy Pig: No thanks. (Mummy Pig vanishes into the wind, even though Fofão's head is still in the sky.) Nazi flag: I guess she's a communist, since she said no. (Fofão's head starts to fly toward the ground.) Nazi flag: OH SHIT! (Mummy Pig's head appears and floats around the Nazi flag. Her mouth does not move when speaking.) Mummy Pig: Peppa, now that I'm no longer around, you can live on your own. Do things yourself. Get the food ready for the dinner, and have it with Fred. Nazi flag: Fine, but I can't do things myself, when I'm only six. Mummy Pig: You're actually 25. Nazi flag: How? Mummy Pig: I actually gave birth to you in 1993, not 2012. Nazi flag: No, you're lying. I was born in 2012. Mummy Pig: Ah. (disappears) Nazi flag: Dinner. (The Nazi flag flies to the kitchen, and discovers that the dinner has already been put on the table, and the hitchhiker is sitting on one of the chairs.) Category:Sweet Sow episodes Category:Fanon